Last Night

Last night at a local church there was a speaker on sex trafficking and helping women in prostitution and I wanted to attend. I couldn't get a babysitter and I took the kids. Emily complained about going, but Missy didn't. I took them to a café beforehand. Emily misbehaved the whole time, jumping around, provoking Missy, talking smart to me. The last straw was when she went in my purse. I have told her several times that she is not allowed to open my purse. I grabbed her arm and squeezed it, but she pulled away and ended up getting scratched by my fingernails.

The look on her face was like that of a toddler - you know, when they open their mouths to scream and nothing comes out at first. Then total, total hysteria. I hate you, I want Tara's mother to be my mother. I will never speak to you again. I tried to tell her she needs to stay out of my purse, that I didn’t mean to hurt her, that she made me angry.

She kept mouthing off at me, I hate you, you're a bad mother. We left the restaurant in a hurry. We got in the car and she called me a dummy. She kept sticking her tongue out at me and making faces. I ignored her and drove to the church.

We sat down and watched the presentation. We only stayed for about 20 minutes, but I wanted the information because I've always wanted to work with prostitutes. Emily was fascinated. The youngest girls they have rescued are 12 years old. She understood a lot of it, how there are people who hurt little girls, who take them from their parents and hurt them. She asked me some questions. All in all the kids were fidgety, but I got the information I wanted and we left.

We got out in the parking lot. Without prompting, she told me she was sorry and that she loved me. The rest of the night was fine. This morning she woke up and was fine. Just as we were about to leave the house, some sort of Emily switch flipped and she started in on Missy. Missy freaked out. I intervened, saying (therapy talk) "I understand you are angry, but don't call Missy names." She was calling her a retard. Missy ran all the way down the walk and stood by the car. Then Emily started on me. She does this thing with banging stuff. She has a metal bracelet which she flings around on her wrist. It makes a snapping noise. She does it to annoy me, but I usually ignore it for the first 1000 times. Well, this time it hit her in the eye and she grabbed her eye and started to cry. I was driving and I said Oh my God, are you ok? She was ok, but I ended up taking the bracelet away. She flipped out, screaming "give it back." I said, "I have to take it, it’s not safe for you to have it now." Then it was I hate you, I want Tara's mother, I like Daddy better, I never want to see you again. She tried to grab it a few times, but I just said, "don't try it." She kicked the car and stomped and punched the dashboard. I just let her. She did not try to hit me.

She was calm by the time we got to Jennifer's, but she had upset Missy a great deal, first with the picking on her, then with the explosion. Missy started saying, "I love you, Mom." She does that to try to make up for Emily yelling at me. I just say, "I love you, too, and I love Emily, too."

Emily is completely out of control. I was thinking as I left Jennifer's that I am glad I am handling this now with therapy. She is going to be the type of teenager who hits me. She hits me now sometimes, and it breaks my heart to hit her back. But I can just picture her with the car keys, just like with the bracelet, "give it back, give it back." By that time, she won't be afraid of me, either.

I really hate my life. My daughter is 9 years old. I hate my life.