Mystery Date

Remember the old board game from the 1970's, Mystery Date? My mother wouldn't buy it for me, which may explain why my social life is so screwed up right now. Really.

The other night I went out on a blind ("mystery") date with a guy who looked like a lobster. He didn't try to pinch me or anything, but he had those beady eyes and gigantic claw-like arms like a lobster. He worked out, that's why. Anyway, as I sat across from him eating dinner, I kept picturing him with antennae coming out of the top of his head. Sometimes, when the conversation got really lively, I would imagine that for emphasis he tapped me on the forehead with one of his antenna.

I know this is unusual, but I've hit a rough patch in my personal life. Sometimes, when I'm feeling particularly artsy or stressed out, I will picture people as dogs or fishes. You know, their faces are all floppy (Beagle! Basset Hound! Monkfish!) or their eyes are big and watery (Catfish! Flounder! Bulldog!). But I've never before delved into the realm of crustaceans. Odd. And the guy ordered shrimp, too.

I've gone out a few times with a man named Preston. That's not his real name, in case you were wondering. He is 61 years old - never been married. I keep telling myself that it's not all that strange that he talks softly, has a flare for interior decorating, and loves antiques and musical theatre. It's not, right?

I've been out with him four or five times and he's never kissed me or held my hand. In fact, the last time he walked me to the door - his manners are impeccable - he backed away very quickly, as if he were frightened almost, with this quirky sort of "namaste" bowing motion as he said goodnight. Once, when we were crossing the street, I reached out and grabbed his hand. He let me touch it at first, but then pulled away. He seemed a little repulsed. Now that I write it, I see that the words "a little" and "repulsed" don't belong together. But at least he didn't say, "eeeewwwww", or anything like that.

Preston has told me several times that I am very attractive. He has mentioned women that he's dated in the past. In particular, he mentioned that he was almost married once. I haven't gotten the full story on this, as Preston's cat passed away last week, and he has gone into a very profound period of mourning. It is difficult to watch, particularly in light of Jack's sister dying and Jack being so stoic about it all.

I don't know. My gut tells me that Preston is gay. If I met him on the street, that would be my call. And I don't give a toss if he is or isn't - it's just the last thing I need right now is a gay boyfriend.

Talk about not getting your needs met:

* I have an ex-husband who couldn't find my errogenous zones with a flashlight and a GPS device.

* I have a boyfriend in Germany who has nicknamed my lowlands "Honig Topf".

* I have a gay boyfriend in the next town who is grieving a dead pussy.

* I have a mutant lobster boyfriend who keeps whacking me with his antennae.

Maybe I need to take a break from dating. But it's like the slot machines; you don't dare stop. You just keep putting in your quarters, thinking the next one will bring the jackpot. But so far: Bupkis. Bupkis mit Kuduchas!